Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Driving Miss Dazey

I drive to work.

I'll admit it'd be nice to catch a train or something, but the public transport option just wouldn't work out, and when we moved house 3-4 years ago, it was so that I could spend more time at home as opposed to sitting on a bus somewhere. So driving it is.

When I first started driving back in 1993, other drivers didn't seem that bad. Sure, I didn't drive during peak hour much and at the age of 19 I didn't really have too many places to go, but overall the traffic seemed less in a hurry and more careful.

At this stage, I know what you're thinking. "He's turned into an old sooky la la", and that may be true, but let me give you some examples of my experiences on the road in the last few weeks.

  • Run Forrest Run - Just last week I had someone drive past me whilst doing the running style of Forrest Gump. Amusing enough, except he seemed to be doing it for a bit too long and was wobbling down the road and out of his lane.
  • Asian Superman - This morning I was nearly side swiped on three separate occasions by cars who either didn't bother to look before changing lanes or didn't care cos they were Superman dressed up like a small asian man.
  • Swinging School Mum - Not what you think, these are mothers fresh from dropping the kids off at school, they either u-turn or come out of side streets and swing wide to get into their lane, half coming into the lane next to them....where I am inevitably driving.
  • No Blinkee Blinkee - Again, I tend to encounter these fellas in the Glen Waverley region of my drive which is frequented by exotic luxury cars without indicators. Cobble this together with drivers who are so uncertain of their ultimate destination, that they always realise the road they wanted to turn down was the one they just passed, and well, you'd better ensure your brakes are in good nick.
  • Gottabe Infrontaya - I see these Russian drivers on mornings when I'm the last person through a set of lights and they desperately need to merge into my lane in front of me, despite the road being completely empty behind me.
  • Creeper - Nothing bugs me more than the car in front of me stopping at the red light a full car length behind the next car, then spending the entire traffic light sequence edging their way forwards, 10cm at a time to fill the gap. A gap they could have filled initially, but presumably there's a psychological benefit to creeping the gap.
  • He who hesitates wastes my time - Seriously, if you're not comfortable driving in peak hour traffic, stick to the main roads and get outta my way. It's not hard, in fact it's easier than normal driving cos it is so slow and you can take your time making decisions. So, when your grandmother's grandmother can't turn into traffic for 10 minutes because her reaction time is worse than Stephen Hawking's, it's time to call it a day and catch the bus...or hearse.
  • Butt sniffers - like a tailgater, but even tailgater's ease off at the lights. Butt sniffers park as close as possible to you at the lights, then start moving when the light goes green - even if you haven't started to move yourself. Cos you know, I clearly should have moved off when they were ready, rather than when the car in front of me was ready - who generally is the old lady from the point before this one!
And these are just the last few weeks.

So spare a thought for your fellow driver out there, cos from my recent experiences, they aren't very good.


  1. I hear you! I am recovering from a driver who thought stopping at a red traffic light was optional.
    The really stupid thing - I was ready to give her a piece of my mind until I saw how upset she was, and gave her a hug instead.

    1. Same thing happened to me a few years back, was ready to abuse her then thought "oh wait, she might be dead". She wasn't, which was good, but she was still stupid, which was bad.